AND THE WINNER IS...

I haven’t posted a blog entry for a few days, mainly because I was out socialising every night last week. That’s unusual for me and generally I can at least guarantee being in on a Thursday evening. Last week however I attended an awards ceremony. It began like the Oscars but without the red carpet. After drinks and a meal, the tension was mounting and when the names of the first nominees were read out there was a nervous silence before the winner was announced. We expected to see him be presented with some kind of token, if only a certificate. However, the presenter then announced that there were no prizes but the winners should come onto the stage to receive applause. A little like watching the Emperor in his new clothes the rest of the ceremony continued in the same vein with winners and non-winners both receiving fresh air.

Still, as I reflected afterwards, in some marriages the participants don’t even get applauded for their efforts, no matter how hard they try.

STRANGE ENCOUNTERS

On the basis that laughter is supposed to be good for you, today has been a great day. Is it May Madness or what?

The UK government has made available online its previously secret files of UFO sightings in the period 1978 to 1987. Comic in their own right, they include various tales of flying saucers and misshapen men from far off places. At the same time Father Funes, a respected scientist in the Vatican Observatory, has had an article published in the Vatican newspaper headlined “Aliens are my Brother” in which he claims that intelligent beings could exist in outer space, created by God, and some could even be free from original sin!

Thank goodness instead for good old fashioned Pythonesque humour from that master of mad comedy, John Cleese. He claimed that being ordered to pay an allegedly excessive amount in maintenance (some $20,000 per month more than his current income) for his ex-wife “is money well spent”. Come to think of it maybe he wasn’t trying to be funny after all and he believes it – just like all those people who’ve seen little green men.

DIVIDING IN TWO

Yesterday news reports covered the man who had sawn his car in two. When I heard the headlines I assumed that it was part of a bad divorce scenario, only to establish that it was actually a dispute with a wheel clamping company, acting on the apparent instigation of a DVLA official. He had caused the car to be impounded because although it was on a private driveway it was untaxed and the rear bumper was protruding onto the footpath. By cutting the car in two the man concerned sought to ensure that the company could only remove that part of the vehicle that was infringing the law.

In any event it brought back memories of so many cases where in a fit of pique and with a chain-saw in their hand one party or the other following marital disharmony and breakdown has literally divided chattels equally with their spouse. Don’t be tempted to try it, there’s always a big pay back to be made when financial and property matters are finally resolved within divorce proceedings.

The case that I remember most vividly however has to be when once upon a time a hot headed client who was convinced that his wife had left him to live with another man, also had a go at taking it out on the unsuspecting gentleman’s car. He used a sledge hammer, rather than a disk cutter and his justification went along the lines that as he felt he’d had his insides punched to bits, the alleged man friend could have a taste of his own medicine. Trouble was it materialised that his wife was actually living alone in a studio flat and the car belonged to another resident in the same block. Needless to say a criminal prosecution followed.

SOUNDS PAINFUL

Celebrity divorces are inevitably great sources for quotes. None more so than when Robin Williams (he of Mrs Doubtfire fame, and yes I am old enough to remember him in Mork and Mindy too) speaking on a TV Interview show earlier this week, said “I think a lot of times divorce can be like circumcision with a weed whacker!”

Fortunately for Williams, it sounds as though the whole process is going smoother than that for him. Married for 19 years, it has been reported that the divorce documents lodged in court in San Francisco in March include a commitment to be respectful of each other, to keep their children at the forefront and to try to avoid courtroom clashes. Presumably he won’t, therefore, have to disguise himself as a female nanny to maintain contact with his son.

BANK HOLIDAY WEEKEND

The end of a Bank Holiday Weekend and with two out of three days without rain, it has to be some kind of record! Any way I managed to take advantage of the clement conditions to catch up with my vegetable gardening and have been undertaking some rather heavy digging in order to finish planting the potatoes. It was hard work but the weeds are now in retreat and I feel that I have achieved something.

Clients often remark how easy marriage is compared to divorce. To my way of thinking both are hard work. Compared to gardening, however, neither gives you back ache!

THE MAY FAIR

Yesterday I took Little Girl and two of her friends to Northallerton’s May Fair. A sign next to the Dodgem Cars captured my imagination and I took this photograph of it. Now in what circumstances would you hire that ride for “Fates”?

Each dodgem car holds two people quite closely, and the whole ride could of course be used as some kind of enormous crystal ball for the purpose of foretelling successful relationships. Indeed Gipsy Rosa Lee, who appeared to be absent from the proceedings, could have taken up residence with the dodgems instead of in her caravan.

Imagine: you get in a car with your nearest and dearest, survive a few knocks, scrapes and rocky patches to emerge at the end clutching each other’s hands and laughing. Alternatively your car breaks down in the centre and you abandon it as quickly as you can, each fleeing in opposite directions.

It could catch on as a precursor to taking wedding vows, a little like pre-nuptial agreements.

ELECTED CHANGES

Boris Johnson
Originally uploaded by barney haward

I’ve just heard that Boris is moving in and Ken out. I hope Barbie will be happy. Oh, of course, it’s not that Ken. What can I say? What about: after eight years as Mayor of London, it’s been longer than most marriages these days!

TAKING PRECAUTIONS

In my last blog entry below, I alluded to the fact that divorce gets blamed for all kinds of ills in society. Last week, my attention was drawn to an article by Jenny Hope for the Daily Mail (click here for the full article). Apparently incidences of sexually transmitted diseases are increasing in the over-50’s and, as you’ll have guessed, the reason attributed is the increasing number of divorces in that age group. So if you’re over 50, recently divorced and thinking of becoming sexually active again, the considered advice is, of course, to take precautions, not against pregnancy but chlamydia and gonorrhea. In our nanny state it’s perceived as a problem the Government must tackle in terms of educating older members of society and being aware that they are generally omitted from the campaigns that plague our airwaves or magazines all aimed at the other end of the age spectrum. Maybe the courts should be sending out suitably worded literature with decree absolutes whilst solicitors should be required to install vending machines for condoms in their waiting areas. Any other suggestions?

LIES, DAMNED LIES AND STATISTICS

The front page of The Litigation Letter that landed on my desk today boasts the headline “Family Meltdown”. It’s a clear quotation from Mr Justice Coleridge’s speech at the recent Resolution annual conference. However, this article also quotes figures which it says show that the marriage rate in England & Wales has dropped to its lowest level (236,980) since 1895 when the population was presumably considerably smaller than it is now. At the same time the article claimed that the divorce rate has increased to its highest level at 45%, with 10% of marriages lasting less than 5 years.

With figures of this magnitude being quoted, no wonder it’s so easy for those in power to lambast single parents and the breakdown in family life for the ills of society including wayward adolescents, school truancy, bullying, drug abuse, crime and teenage pregnancies. What the figures clearly show, of course, is that cumbersome, outdated divorce laws do nothing to keep marriages together. Quite what the Government intends to do about it though is another issue, especially when we still need some proper laws to regulate the break up of relationships between those couples who opt simply to live together and don’t therefore even feature in these statistics.

Of course, if you are fortunate enough that your marriage has subsisted happily for 5 years or more, what is also suggested (assuming consistency in mortality and divorce rates) is that it is too early to start planning your 60th wedding anniversary. Apparently only 10% of couples marrying today will survive to make those celebrations; whilst purportedly 45 % will divorce, another 45% will be separated by death, because the average age for marrying itself has increased to 31.8 for men and 29.7 for women. That means that the couples who do make it will, on average, presumably be 91.8 and 89.7 years of age. Further, 10% of the number quoted for couples marrying means that 23,698 couples a year should attain this achievement; now that’s what I call success. I knew I’d find something promising in those figures somewhere.

THE SILLY FILLY

Despite earlier resolutions I am unable to resist the opportunity to blog again about the Silly Filly and the Ex. They are no longer an item. He’s had a breakdown and she drove him to it. She abandoned him in the fast lane from where he was transported to a specialist body and recovery centre.

I can’t wait to honk the horn and wave at the Silly Filly as she queues at the bus stop in the morning.

For the beginning of this saga of woe, click here