Wednesday, 20 July 2016
Monday, 11 July 2016
Unable to cope with the immenseness of it all I have tried to ignore it, bury my head in the sand and distract myself by staring for hours on end at the pattern on my duvet. I feel neglected.
Dave is going; that is for certain and I haven’t seen Boris for days.
Even the girls I thought I could rely on have been noticeable by the distance I feel between us. Theresa and Andrea seem to have been so embroiled in their own contretemps they have had little time for me. Perhaps now Angela is splitting from Jeremy with what seems like deep acrimony, she and I might find something in common.
For the time being the only person I seem to be able to rely on is that nice man at the bank, Mark, I think he’s called. Maybe it’s time to see him again, although I know he’ll only tell me that times are going to be tough and I have to cut back.
How did I ever get into this mess in the first place? It’s not my fault. Now I’m not so angry, I just feel sad for what might have been, what we had and what we’ve lost. I think I’ll go and take another look at the pattern on that duvet.
Thursday, 30 June 2016
I spent all day yesterday in bed and am unsure now of the date.
Boris has decided he's not moving in after all and it transpires that Michael reckons he's in with a chance instead. There are rumours that he stabbed Boris in the back but I rang the local hospital and Boris hadn't been admitted.
Meanwhile Jeremy up the road has been having problems too. Angela walked out and has been tight lipped ever since, although she did say the last straw was when he refused to speak to her for 24 hours. I actually thought Jeremy was moving out when I saw a furniture van pull up but it turned out he was just taking delivery of a new cabinet.
Everybody is calling everyone names.
Dave has even had the audacity to tell Jeremy he should leave, "Go man, go," I think he said. Mind on what basis Dave feels he's qualified to hand out such advice I honestly don't know.
Is any of this real? It feels like a dream that I might yet wake up from.
Tuesday, 28 June 2016
Today I went shopping. Life has to go on and we neeed to eat.
I bought myself a handbag in fine Italian leather and a pair of shoes to match. They went on my credit card.
I am probably in denial and will feel worse when I look at the till receipt.
Monday, 27 June 2016
Gideon, our financial adviser, spoke to me this morning. He did his best to reassure me but I was not convinced. As a result of this mess I know the money has gone down, although Gideon says that he’ll arrange a loan to bide us over.
I also received a letter from Boris. He seems to be suggesting that he’ll move in instead but otherwise life will continue pretty much as before, save that we can have an “open” relationship.
I’m becoming very confused.
Sunday, 26 June 2016
Jean Claude says "It wasn't a tight love affair anyway," and he "wants a quick divorce."
I am angry again, VERY ANGRY.
The Dutch pair over the road have refused to invite me in; they just say I need to get the divorce sorted quickly. They seem worried I might taint things for them.
The French couple up the street are just the same. Things aren't too rosy for them too, I fear.
Now Jeremy and his clan are all going their separate ways. Everyone seems to be splitting up.
I'm getting confused. I mean I always knew we were being lied to; I'm not a complete fool but I'm not sure who it is I am angry with anymore.
Saturday, 25 June 2016
Tell me how you felt yesterday.
Yesterday, when I found out, I felt numb. All sensory feeling was suspended and a girdle of anxiety squeezed my chest.
What did you do yesterday?
I didn't move from the sofa.
And Dave, tell me about Dave.
Dave went to see the woman at the end of the Mall.
How did that make you feel?
I cried. Sadness overwhelmed me, not for Dave but for me and for the family. Then I got angry, really angry. Next I even felt guilty; perhaps I could have done something to have prevented this.
How are things today?
I feel calmer. Inward looking and isolated. I know life hasn't ended but it just feels different. There's a chasm and it feels as though it is going to be there for a long time.
Friday, 24 June 2016
When I started this blog it was intended as a form of therapy, a cathartic diversion to the stresses and strains of life as a divorce lawyer. It has been many months since I have made an entry for the simple reason that I do not need a panacea in retirement.
Today however was different. I should have known it was going to happen with the repeated arguments and outrageous behaviour of recent weeks but it still shocked me.
This morning when I awoke, I learned that we are going to separate after 40 years. Worse still a messy divorce is envisaged and one that may start immediately. Already the cash in the bank has plummeted, our pension funds and investments reduced. I wanted to stay in our home but I no longer know if that will be possible. A move to Scotland is a possibility, or Ireland. Does anyone know what Ireland is like?
Dave is going, of course. Hanging around for a little while but he’s not going to do very much. Well I know there was no love lost between us, but seriously it’s still hard to take when it happens.
What do I tell the children? They may be old enough to make their own minds up, but they are hurting too; Nicola says she’s staying put whatever and Martin is thinking of pursuing his own union elsewhere. Some fool down the road had the gall to tell me it was Independence Day whilst others have just looked shell-shocked when they heard the news. People I haven’t heard from for a while have been handing out tissues and sympathy; Tony said he thought there had been “mixed messages” for the last couple of months and Michael summed up my feelings accurately when he described it as “a gaping hole.”
Sadiq is trying to smooth the waters but the damage has been done and it hurts. I’m angry and I think I have every right to be.